: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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