now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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