I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
