erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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