Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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