9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
