there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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