i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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