my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
