I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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