she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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