explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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