She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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