Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
