My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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