I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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