nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize