you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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