My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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