Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
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