I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
