please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I have aggressive nipples.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
