As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
It's blow job season.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
