my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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