My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
