yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
