he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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