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all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Randomize
