A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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