we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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