before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
