Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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