Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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