U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
