Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
