Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
and you fell through a lawn chair
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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