Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
