there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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