Your mouth is God's brothel.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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