I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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