Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
