So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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