My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
