Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
