Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
