We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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