Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
