That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
