Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Randomize
