i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
im holly from the hills drunk
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
