ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize