Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
