have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
