Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
