she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
