so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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