thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
