Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Randomize
