highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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