we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
