I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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